Edward, You are SO Dirty
by Lady Saruman
Summary: When Bella was high on a Sharpie, she made Edward promise to strip the next day after his performance at the Staples Center. She meets a new friend named Samantha there, and they experience the slaughtering power Edward Cullen unleashes on the audience.


**Disclaimer: I do not in any way own any of the Cullens or Bella. They're all Stephenie Meyer's. I DO, however, own Samantha. **_**Gets choked by Samantha; gags**_** Okay, okay, fine, Samantha owns me :) That means you have to feed me instead of the other way around! xD Hehehe. Everything written here is just for pure fun. Sorry if anybody takes offense by this, but I wrote this just for my beta—it's her birthday, after all. Now let the story begin!**

**

* * *

**

Prologue

Bella had just inhaled a Sharpie permanent marker for five minutes in a row. She was now high, dancing around the room despite her clumsiness. Edward sat on the bed in his room, watching her anxiously.

Edward: Bella, love, stop doing the jig. You're going to hurt yourself.

Bella: No, I'm not, silly. I have perfect balance and coordination right now!

Edward rolled his eyes. Bella ordered him to turn around and stare out of the window, saying that she had a surprise for him. Edward reluctantly turned. Seconds later he heard a small _thump_. He immediately whirled around to see Bella on the floor, giggling.

Edward: Bella! Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?

Bella: -_giggles some more-_ I'm _fine_, Edward! Ha! You didn't catch me this time! But don't worry, that was part of my dance!

Edward: Unintentionally tripping over your own feet and hurting your behind was choreographed?

Bella: Yes! -_succumbs to an unstoppable peal of laughter-_ By the way, Edward, will you do something for me?

Edward: For you? Anything.

Bella: Promise?

Edward: Yes.

Bella: You promised! Eddieward promised! Yayyy!!! -_claps hands happily- _I want you to strip down to almost nothing after you perform for the concert tomorrow!

Edward: Bella…I cannot possibly do that. Let's just wait until your highness wears off, and then we'll—"

Bella: -_pouts-_ But you promised, Eddiepoo!

Edward: Bella, my name is _not _Eddiepoo. You are absurdly high. You have no idea what you are talking about right now.

Bella: -_screaming the words-_ I DO know what I'm talking about! I want you to undress yourself tomorrow at the Staples Center!

Edward: -_smacks head-_ Oh boy…what have I gotten myself into…_ notices that his hand was stuck to his forehead- _Bella, when did you stick double-sided duct tape on my hand?

Bella: -_another laugh-_Oh, I don't know, you probably just did it yourself!

He made a mental note to question her during one of her high periods just _what_ exactly she wanted of him before he promised her anything. Next time.

* * *

_12 a.m. of July 16, 2008, at Hogsmeade_

Me: Happy birthday Sammy!!!

Samantha: AHAHA YAY THANK YOU!

Me: For your birthday present…I will give you _the _birthday present that will prove to be in your wildest dreams.

Samantha: Chyeah right. It won't be unless it involves Edward Cullen.

Me: -_voice drips with sarcasm-_ OH! OH MY GOSH, HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN? Come here!

_Samantha obediently comes to her master _(just kidding :X )

Me: Lookie what I have here… -_pulls out a wand-_

Samantha: So?

_I grabbed Samantha's arm and forced her to turn with me. The feeling of being compressed in a tube was strong and very much there._

Samantha: -_stares- _Why are we at the Staples Center?

Me: Here's your front row seating ticket! I'll see you later! -Disapparates-

* * *

_Second half of the concert, after intermission_

Announcer: Annnndddd…it's Edward Cullen, here live to perform "All that You've Got!"

The last part was drowned out because of the many crazed fangirls who screamed their lungs out as soon as they heard 'Edward Cullen'. Bella was sitting next to Samantha (they became fast friends right before the concert started and had chatted nonstop) and they skyrocketed out of their seats and held up a _huge_ "EDWARD I'LL ALWAYS BE YOURS; WE LOVE YOU!!!" sign. Bella had a wicked gleam of light in her eyes.

Edward performed his song, along with two others, and as soon as the last song was over the girls screamed again; they are so loud that all of the _bulletproof_ windows in the Center shattered.

Announcer: It's not over, guys and girls! Here is an exclusive _extra_ performance by your beloved Edward Cullen!

The girls did not scream, since they all recognized the music that had just come up.

_I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love  
Love's going to leave me_

The girls started the screaming all over again. Edward stood in a supermodel pose, with his head turned sideways, eyes glued to the floor. The announcer's eardrums shattered.

Just before the third line started, Edward turned his head and stared straight at Bella and Samantha. Having been forced to succumb to Bella's wish, he did so with a slight moment of revenge.

Edward: -_in a low, seductive tone while ripping off jacket and throwing it to two girls-_ This one's for you, Bella. -_his skin immediately sparkles as soon as the light hits it-_

Desperate fangirls tried to snatch the jacket; but tough luck, Edward's a vampire, and obviously he threw it perfectly.

Bella: _-blushes a dangerous shade of red and turns to Samantha-_ He did _not_ just say that, did he?

Samantha: -_screaming-_ YEAH HE DID! WHOOO EDWARD CUL—"

They immediately fell silent at the sight in front of them. Edward was slowing pulling his shirt off, accompanying the lyrics. More flashing skin was displayed.

—_too sexy for my shirt  
So sexy it hurts _

Samantha: -_tears of laughter-_ This is my best birthday EVER!

Bella: Oh, Sammy, you so haven't seen the good part yet—

—_and I'm too sexy for your party  
Too sexy for your party  
No way I'm disco dancing_

Ironically, Edward was disco dancing. The dance continued as Edward did a perfect catwalk, envied by all of the furious men whose girlfriends or wives were either hyperventilating, drooling, screaming, fainting, or in a severe daze.

As the "_I'm too sexy for my_" car and hat lyrics came on, Edward lightly jumped onto roof of the exceedingly dark forest green Lamborghini Reventon sports car that had been in the background for the whole duration of the concert. It was followed by him taking off the dark hat that was covering his eyes so well, and once again he aimed it at his fiancée and her new friend. This time, Samantha caught it. The furious girls behind the two literally tried to wrestle them into submitting the articles of clothing, but they were not succeeding. Finally, Bella punched the girls in the face.

Samantha: OH MY GOD! I HAVE EDWARD CULLEN'S HAT! I KNOW I JUST USED GOD'S NAME IN VAIN BUT I CAN'T HELP IT! IT'S SO DAMN _**SEXY**__!_

Bella: I KNOW! I'LL NEVER GET USED TO HIM EVEN THOUGH I SEE HIM EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Samantha: -_sadly-_ I know.

As the song progressed to the catwalk section again, Edward got off the car and shook his hips at the audience, who had long lost control. It was a wonder they hadn't started swarming the stage yet.

By now, half the audience had been knocked out by Edward's mesmerizing beauty, or sexiness, or whatever you want to call it.

When the lyrics got to _I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my_, Edward resumed peeling off his clothes, to the immense delight of the survivors of the fainting spells. When the cat verse started, Edward was strutting proudly in nothing but his boxers, his clothes strewn across the stage, and that just about took down another quarter of the girls, leaving only a quarter left. He was now sparkling like a diamond all over. The men, however, were all still very much alive, furiously glaring at him although they all secretly wished that they could be just like him.

Everybody was swooning, having completely fallen under the spell of Edward Cullen. They all stared at him in a deep trance. Finally, the whole crowd was released from the spell when the final line played.

_And I'm too sexy for this song_

As Right Said Fred intoned it, Edward jumped off of the stage, and using his vampire speed, instantly ran through one of the walkways and into the back. Before understanding dawned on the stunned audience, Edward was back on stage, bowing, responding to girls whose voices were incredibly still not hoarse yet. Edward gathered his clothes and went backstage to put them back on.

Announcer: _-yelling now because he is deaf and cannot hear himself- _Nexxxttt group, we have theeeeeee…VOLTURI!

* * *

**A/N: Okay, sorry if this was poorly written, but it was 1:00 a.m. and I finally finished at exactly 3:00 a.m. I surprisingly thought of what I hope was a good idea, and so I decided to write and post it up so that Samantha could read it in school. Ahaha. And by the way, "All that You've Got" is a random song title that I made up.**

**Sorry for the many grammar tense changes; I wasn't really paying attention so I think they skipped around a lot. However, I am pleased to say that isn't the case for my other stories.**

**Samantha, hope you liked it! Thanks for being such a great beta and friend! We can really talk all day. -.-'**

**And to **_**pinkcrayon1101**_**, HA! I used the word 'duct tape!****'**

**To see a picture of the Lamborghini Reventon sports car that Edward jumped on, go to the Freewebs site that is listed as my homepage on my profile.**


End file.
